A lot has changed in a year, well, a lot has changed since this past March.
It seems like when there is something on your mind that is extremely pressing, important or however you may describe it, those thoughts don't seem to go away. There are moments that you cannot control that seem to pop up here and there that will constantly remind you, without reason or explanation, you're reminded of what's going on when you try and forget (I'll get to that soon).
When someone close to you is told they have cancer, but it's treatable and that they have a very good chance to get through it, it still becomes difficult to understand what is going on when doctor's still have to put them through an immense amount of treatment in order to keep the cancer from spreading and developing before surgery. I've known her for over a year, and by the grace of God I was given a second chance to be with her and after a month and a half into the relationship, a doctor's visit checking on her recent back surgery, may have saved her life.
A tumor of about 9 centimeters was found in her lower back, around the area near where her back surgery took place, and was also repairing itself attempting to heal. She had been suffering from constant back pain and over the last few weeks, even with physical therapy, it wasn't progressing as one might think. After her doctor found a growth in her back, she got it check out and it was determined that it was indeed cancerous and would have to be removed.
Subsequently it is believed that with the cancer removed it will decrease her back pain, allowing the surgically repaired spot to heal correctly. Which is promising news in a situation of extreme circumstance.
It's difficult to actually admit that with a relationship on hold, that it is extremely hard; in knowing that what she is going through emotionally is magnified ten-fold compared to what I'm thinking/dealing with and not to mention the physical pain of the medicine that is keeping the cancer at bay.
The feelings are somewhat selfish in my opinion (of how I feel). I miss not seeing her and being with her, but at the same time, it is hard knowing that there is nothing I can do for her, except be understanding and accept that her family is going to be there for her.
My understanding of what she is going through is uncertain, as I have only known of one person to have cancer, a friend's younger brother (but we had grown a part in our friendship as the years went on in college). Basically, I don't have the slightest clue of how to act/help or anything of the sort.
She is extremely strong and somehow, incredibly understanding when we talk. There have been many times that I look back and think that I may have asked her too many questions or actually stayed too far away from her (in talking to her via the phone/text/etc) than she had hoped I would. It didn't happen on purpose, I had thought I was only going to get in the way with her family being around her at the moment, I should have made a better attempt to ask her first.
I find it amazing that she still makes time to get in touch with me, even in everything she is going through, I especially imagine that she has to take a large amount of her time to rest, as the medication takes a tole on her physically every day.
I was scared for many reasons when I found out, and the only one I feel comfortable discussing at the moment is my own fear of what would happen to my feelings for her as I would have to stay patient and be by her side, whether from afar or next to her. I didn't know how I would react, I've never been involved with someone that has had to deal with an illness other than the flu, I don't think that's too far from the truth really. In the last few weeks, nothing has changed in my feelings for her, except for me, I've felt as if they have grown for wanting to be with her more. Sure I've missed people in my life before (and when dating someone you miss them from time to time when you don't see them) but it's the connection that I feel with her that is always there, from the moment I get up in the morning, during meetings at work and lying in bed at night, I imagine her in some way shape and form, being right there with me, or wondering how she is feeling that moment. I can't say anyone has ever had that affect on me before. Not to take away from the relationships I've had in the past, or to put pressure on the one I have with her, but it is a great feeling to see that connection and believe she feels the same way.
I think there's someone upstairs (maybe, God?) who sends constant reminders, that HE or SHE knows will get your attention, in an attempt to just say "hey, you hang in there too, you know how much she means to you, this should only prove that." By reminders, I think mine come in the form of television or media aspects...for example:
-ESPN's ESPY Awards when former NBA Head Coach George Karl received the Jimmy V award for Perseverance for his work to fight through two bouts with cancer
-ESPN's "My Wish" on Sportscenter, began its first runs - a week ago - and I've managed to catch both, the latest of a boy who was 15 years old and his wish was to meet St. Louis Cardinal's MVP, Albert Pujols.
-While working today (July 21st) I am informed that actor James Gammon, who played manager "Lou Brown" in the Major League movies, passed away in the last few days, after his cancer came back after 2 and a half years, only too a more aggressive attack, and unfortunately ending his life.
There have been others that have occurred in the last two weeks, more than I can really count, but those are the most pressing and memorable at the moment.
Everything in your world changes from this point on when the chance of losing someone to any illness comes into your life. I can't say if being with her for every moment would make any of this easier or more difficult for myself or her, for myself it is comforting to hear that her family is doing every possible thing they can to be by her side through this.
My hope and my wish, is to have have her back in my arms where I believe she belongs.
